Infidelity And The Favorite Ex!

Copy of Article Cover (small text) (1).png

Over the last couple of weeks, Jay Z has been making his media round and doing interviews on his marriage to mega superstar Beyoncé.  The 48-year rapper has finally publicly admitted what many have known or speculated for years—he cheated on his wife!

Jay Z has admitted after the infidelity the two of them had to rebuild their relationship from scratch. It was extremely hard but through a lot of hard work and commitment to restore their marriage; they are still standing!  Well, I have my own personal story. It’s not quite as glamorous but the ending is similar; proving there is life after the betrayal.

Where do I start?

Years ago I dated this guy whom I met in college; The Favorite Ex. This guy was so handsome, funny, intelligent, popular, came from an upper middle class family and lived in a very beautiful home in the suburbs.  I was so infatuated with this guy, I ended up losing my virginity to him late one night while listening to R Kelly’s song, Slow Dance.

After I left college, life moved on and so did we. Both of us married, had kids and at the time we reconnected; we were both going through a divorce. A few months into the relationship, we finalized our divorces and celebrated our victories!.

This man set my soul on fire. I honestly was never happier, never smiled more, never felt prettier and as he would tell it; I was glowing day to day. I briefly moved into his home with him (I had and maintained my own apartment during this time) We would talk everyday on the phone while we were at work, after work when we got home, took showers together, made fun of people together, hosted house parties together. I was a part of his family, we did things as a family with all of our children and honey, I thought this love would last forever! This guy was my best friend, very affectionate, financially generous, and made me feel safe. To this day, I have never spent another holiday that was more special with a significant other than this man.  I had absolutely no insecurities with him.

So what happened?

He cheated... With his ex-wife!

The day I discovered the infidelity shattered my heart. It changed us. I was having trouble reconciling the man I love with the revelation of his cheating. Devastation, tremendous pain and disbelief seemed to consume me. The act took away my best friend, the wonderful sex life I enjoyed, the extended family I had come to love and the blended family I had embraced.

 It took me 3 months of therapy, nine months of crying and one whole year before we would even speak to each other again. Eventually, we begin the conversations and he provided me with something that many us want and need to move on…. Answers!

I appreciated the numerous & endless heartfelt apologies he extended, the opportunity to vent my anger and rage at him without him shutting down and shutting me out, and the endless acts of kindness throughout the years that have given me closure.  Isn’t that what everyone whom has gone through a traumatic break up wants?

In the end, we had far more great moments and laughs versus the horrible breakup and tears. To this day this man is one of my dearest friends. I affectionately refer to him as my favorite ex.

I have learned a lot from this experience. They say hide sight is 20/20. Looking back, I can see that we moved too quickly after our divorces. The relationship was going superfast and neither one of us pumped the brakes. My regret is that my man at the time wasn’t honest enough to share with me the feelings of remorse he was experiencing from the divorce and grief that was tormenting him.

If I had thrown him away, I would never come to understand the reasoning behind the betrayal, the pain he was in, the part I played nor have this incredible person in my life. One chapter closed and another one opened. Earlier this year, we spent a platonic night together as he was passing through my city. Since before the break up, I haven’t laid in bed with a man and, literally fell asleep laughing and crying at the same time. How could a person who broke your heart at some point, make it leap and resuscitate it now?  The point I am trying to make but not advocating for passes on infidelity is……

Infidelity doesn’t have to be the period in your relationship in my opinion. New beginnings can be created if you are open to them. We  still remain close without being romantic or sexually involved. We share and talk about each other’s relationships and life challenges.

Unfortunately, I sincerely regret the fact that I have made him the standard to which all men that are allowed in my life must meet. It’s like I am chasing that 1st high. That feeling and inner peace I experienced with that relationship is something that haunts me to this day.

The reality is that even though I received my closure, answers, restored communication and renewed relationship; I unintentionally set a level of expectation for the next man that no man can meet!

Asha Black